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Saturday, March 27, 2010

من به فروش مي رسم

اتاق جوانان، مدل پنجاه و شش، هفت رنگ، ساخت ايران.
دست دوم. بدون سند. با مدارک کافي. نمرات معتبر بين المللي.
با قيمت مناسب*. فروش نقد و اقساط. تحويل در محل، صد در صد رايگان.

قطعات جانبي شامل دو دست درازتر از دو پا، دو چشم کور**، يک رودهء دراز، يک دماغ اضافي و غيره.
مغز آکبند، قلب خاکستري : ضد يخ دارد.
سپر آمريکايي، ضد ضربه.
رينگ اسپرت، دو حلقه لاستيک رخش دو هزار :‌ مثل اسب مي تازد.

سي دي : دارد.
ضبط و پخش :‌ ندارد.
زدگي : دارد.
زندگي : ندارد.
ايراد موتوري، تصادف جدي : دارد.
گارانتي : ندارد.
بيمهء بدنه، دزدي، آتش سوزي، طوفان، زلزله، جنگ جهاني سوم : دارد.
بيمهء شخص ثالث :‌ ندارد.

صاحب قبلي مرده است.
مورد استفاده : سفر به قعر دره.
لطفا براي کسب اطلاعات بيشتر به قبرستان برويد.
با عرض پوزش، چک شخصي، سفته و حواله پذيرفته نمي شود :‌
احتمالا قبل از وصول مي ميريد.
لطفا اين آگهي را براي دوستان خود بفرستيد.
پس از فروش، تعويض يا پس گرفته نمي شود، ولي مي توانيد فروشنده را زير بگيريد.

لطفا مرا بخريد.
من اين همه سال دويده ام تا خودم را براي ساعتي چند دلار بفروشم.
لطفا مرا يکجا براي چند دلار بيشتر بخريد؛
شايد بتوانم با پول شما يک ساعت از وقت خودم را براي خودم بخرم؛
شايد بتوانم يک ساعت زندگي کنم؛
شايد هم در آن يک ساعت مشتري ديگري پيدا کنم که پول بيشتري مي پردازد؛
آگهي فروش خودم را برايش بنوازم، و يک ساعت بيشتر وقت بخرم، بعد دوباره مشتري ديگري پيدا مي کنم و باز هم خودم را گرانتر و گرانتر و گرانتر مي فروشم....

لطفا مرا بخريد.
من زياد وقت ندارم، ولي آرزوهاي بزرگي دارم.

خودپرستي ممنوع

ايميلي که براي خدا فرستاده بودم برگشت خورده بود. چند وقتي مي شد هر بار که تماس مي گرفتم در دسترس نبود، روي دستگاهش هم چند بار پيغام گذاشته بودم که کار فوري دارم، انگار نه انگار. فکر مي کردم يا واقعا به تعطيلات تابستاني رفته است و يا باز هم از من دلخور است و محل نمي گذارد.

ولي ايميلم که برگشت کمي نگرانش شدم. نکند اتفاقي برايش افتاده باشد؟
در دنياي خودم قدم مي زدم. خيلي کوچک است، از اين سر به آن سرش فقط يک ليوان ويسکي طول مي کشد، تازه بيشترش هم يخ است و نوشابه. به انتهاي دنيا نزديک مي شدم که ديدم يک تابلوي جديد نصب کرده اند، رويش هم بزرگ نوشته است : « خودپرستي ممنوع ». بعيد مي دانستم غير از خودم کسي از اين مسير بگذرد، احتمالا هر کس تابلو را نصب کرده است منظورش من بوده ام. زير تابلو مي نشينم تا يک نخ سيگار بکشم. کبريت ندارم. سيگار هم ندارم. اصلا من که سيگاري نيستم، مجبور مي شوم بدون سيگار همانجا بنشينم و به تابلو خيره شوم. چرا اينجا؟ چرا حالا؟ اصلا کدام آدم بيکاري آمده است تابلوي به اين گندگي را سر راه من نصب کرده است؟ در جيبم دنبال چيزي مي گردم. سيگار ندارم. کبريت هم ندارم. دستم را در مي آورم. سکوت مطلق است. مي شکند :‌ صداي پا. يعني چه؟ اينجا که دنياي من است، من هم که همينجا هستم. سايه اي نزديک مي شود و همه جا را مي پوشاند. تابلو مي درخشد. غولي از راه مي رسد. نره خري است براي خودش. دو تا شاخ دارد. به دمش کراوات بسته است، با سنجاق سفيد و طلايي. سيگار هم مي کشد. هر چه نزديک تر مي شود همه جا تاريک تر مي شود، تابلو هم پرنور تر مي درخشد. غول ظاهرا کور است، تابلو را نمي بيند. تصادف مي کند.. مي ترکد. هزار قطعه مي شود. هوا که روشن مي شود پيرمردي خرده هاي تابلو را از همه جا جمع مي کند. کنارش مي ايستم. لبخند مي زند. سيگارِ غول را از وسط گرد و غبار پيدا مي کند و آن را مي تکاند و به دستم مي دهد. هنوز روشن است، يک پک عميق مي کشم. با تمام وجودم سرفه مي کنم و در دود سرفه هايم غرق مي شوم. به هوش که مي آيم پيرمرد ديگر نيست. سيگار را لگد مي کنم و به انتهاي دنيا مي رسم. من هيچ وقت سيگاري نبوده ام. در همان انتها مي خوابم.
امروز ايميل خدا رسيد. چيزي ننوشته بود. ايميلش خالي بود. مهم نيست، حداقل زنده است.

Under new managemnt of....

We Iranians are complicated creatures, everyone has a big big ego inside and is crazy about "being in charge"-remember that guy in Shah Mosque toilet, right?- I was watching a local soap opera in national TV and two characters were discussing who is THE MANAGER of a 3x4 meter confectionary shop,it also reminds us of funny favourite sign on retail shops, such & such shop re-opening with new MANAGEMNT OF Mr.Big Ego......

I have always wanted to be a waiter a very good waiter, I beleive there is no such a thing of serving people in the right way....just thinking loud, datz all.

Mind Control

CIA has executed secret operation to experiment Mind Control techniques on humans, using psychedlic drugs ,putting electodes in their brains , injecting virus to infants and retarded kids and prisoners and much much more just recently, 50 yeras ago!

It's called operation MKUMTRA, google it, you will be deeply shocked on how advanced and rutless science is, without general knowledge of everyday people.

The other man

Try to get & watch this movie, a man play chess in an Italian Cafe with his wife's lover...amzing plot and acting.

It's all about the concept "would you do it, if you got the chance?"

Would you?

Friday, March 26, 2010

When you get blocked

Not the one you think...It's the one feeling when you see your wife works 24/7 to keep your kid in best condition, when she feeds her while she can not eat properly herself when it's forbidden for her to eat a small chalk of choclate or cookie or anything practically.....you feel blocked of how to say Thank you.

If by any chance she reads this , hope she understands how much I appreciate all this.

My destinations

Europe: Amesterdam, Lisbon, Nice,Monte Carlo, Liechtenstein, Bern, salsburg,Prague, Saint petersburg,Milan,Ibiza, Majorca,Barcelona, Berlin

Middle east: Lebanon

North Africa: Morocco, Tunis

South Africa: Cape town, Zanzibar,Mauritius

Asia: Goa, Goa, Goa and again

That's it so far....

Envy

Let me tell you a secret; the only ting on earth which I may envy someone is Tango dancing (real tango not sticking together like two dull hangers move 2 inches per hour)

I remember watching a professional couple in a south american restaurant in Dubai dancing very seriously and Oh God so beautiful.

So if for any reason you caught me having a diet, make sure I am taking Dance courses! (remember that stranage bald character in Shall We Dance movie?)

My Dog

Against all bullshit advice of kind faces(and voices) around, we have continued to keep our lovely dog, Fandogh. Her combination with our newly born is not the ultimate recepie for pleasure but she is one of the few creatures to die for ; her expections are minimal and Crystal Clear(feed me on right time, cuddle me from time to time and take me out when I inform you to pee) .

It's lovely to see when she piss in the right side of our dead end while peeing is happening on the left corner,it's lovely to see when she barks around to make sure no daring cat is around....and after all this activities, she joins me back in elevator, breatless and happy,looking up,
another day in paradise.

On being self -centered

I have got a daughter now, most of you already know, she is lovely, sweet and cries a lot when you don't see her and of course we publish very bright face of hers on the FaceBook.

I have realized a creey though coming to me as a remedy, as a resolution to all stupid things around....I will make this girl like MYSELF.

I will show her the world(the way I see it), will bring books to read and explore the music and everything which I like....another soft copy of unique existance of us? why???

Someone help me on this dilema.

United family

I have noticed recently that in some family gathetring, The big guys start wondering where the rest of cousins are, it does not matter, young or old, where are they? are they coming here? let's call them and invite them and if they are already invited,check if they are hit by the bus are suffocated in Subway and why why why they are not in yet?

So here they are, the interrogation starts; how was the traffic, you car broke down/could not find taxi? how is the weather outside? are you ok? how is your mom? pass my best regards,wish she was here with us....and suddenly a death silence rulls over.....out of questions, everyone staring uneasily at the ceiling or fruit bowl on the table or murmerizing sound of PMC or bloody FARSI1 on TV.

Next rush is eating all fruits at once (does not husrt you, it's just 3 tonnes of fruit) and of course sheer volume of tastless and bad cooking of pre-fabricated local cuisin....have it with Dough,
Zam zam softdrink or greasy tab water?

Bon Apetit!

Misery

I have exposed to disturbing sound of a Korean soap opera in FARSI1 (I will kill Murdoch for creating this channel, someday), the story goes with a uncivilized bold & bitter young woman who happen to be confronted with her abondened father and that's exactly where a sheer 12 minutes volume of cuts & bruises goes on......

Made me laugh actually since there is long time which I have realized that ëach room IS NOT the center of the world"-The Sacred Belief of my 20's-that we humans are a bunch of self pity ass(or arse) holes who think whatever bad luck in the whole univesrse is customized to screw ME and only ME, very funny creatures...

Jack! when you lost it, when you dad screw around when he should be home and caring, when you are born in wrong place with gutless parents, when you just pass the exams and you have not been EDUCATED, when the soundtrack of your childhood and teengae days has been endless rain drops in cold nights of a small shaggy town, when your mind cuts your off with reality to remain sane (REALLY WHEN THAT HAPPENED?) when you start try & error in Career World and you have found your way(SUPRISE, SUPRISE) of being street smart, what the hell you expect?

Happy smiley, happy bruisy...

LOST

4 golden fish are wondering in the bowl in front of me and each strike on keyboard make them move around a bit, 7 SINS are there and I am thinking I have completely lost it.
The sense of new year, excitment (last up to 7 of age) and all that shit.

I am not the only one I suppose, what ? what are looking at? my excitment which falls into GOLDEN memories of banging doors and silent house? don't get me started.

I am not the only one,, staring @ the sun, Bono said.

New year format for men

I have realized shiny silver suits are the most wanted this year, from youngsters to Haji's,sweet Lord almight , seems like an unofficial gay parade throughout the city!

Intro.

Sometimes past midnight in new year's endless holiday, decided to start all over again, Ahlan bekom fi my blog!